All's Fair in Love and War
by Ionia Metallium-Greywers
Summary: Schuldich swipes Nagi's laptop. What will Nagi-kins do? Wage war on the gaijin, of course! Read and review! ^^


A/N: OK, this fic was meant to kill my writer's block. I think it might have worked, too. I wrote this a while back, so I can't actually remember. ^^;; Oh yes, and the IM names I used are Darkchyld and Kittyn. Can't remember who originally made them up, but tell me and I'll give you credit! (And you get a cookie if you can figure out who they are!)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Weiß Kreuz, or the characters of Weiß Kreuz. I also do not own the song 'Sit On My Face and Tell Me That You Love Me.' So now the guys of Monty Python can't sue me! HA!  
  
Warning: This fic caused suicide in lab animals. (Yes, that means insanity.)  
  
"Hey! Give that back!"  
  
"Yeah, right! You want this back, ja? You have to beg first!" Schuldich held the laptop high above Nagi's head.  
  
"No way am I begging to you! I want... TO CHANGE THE WORLD! JOUNETSU!" Nagi held his head. "AAGH! Stop putting ideas into my head!"  
  
The red-haired German laughed. "But it's so much fun! Don't you think so?"  
  
"No! It's not fun! Leave me alone and give me back my laptop!" Nagi suddenly shook his head violently from left to right and spouted out "I'm your bitch, Schuldich-sama!"  
  
Schuldich laughed. "You're my bitch! HAH!" He turned to Crawford, who was sitting at the table behind him reading the newspaper and trying to curb his anger. "You hear that, mein leibchen? You're a witness! Nagi's my bitch!"  
  
"Am not!" The brown-haired boy leapt at Schuldich. The German in question sidestepped, and Nagi flew into the table Crawford was sitting at.  
  
Farfarello sat in a corner, licking a steak knife he found in a drawer, intently watching the scuffle between Schuldich and Nagi. He laughed when Nagi flew into the table. "That most definitely hurt God..."  
  
Nagi glared daggers at Schuldich. "Alright, gaijin. This. Means. War." With that, he turned and stalked off to his room, leaving Schuldich standing there blinking, Crawford still reading the paper and sipping coffee despite the fact his table was in pieces on the floor, and Farfarello licking the steak knife, occasionally commenting on how much it hurt God.  
  
"Well...war, eh?" Schuldich smirked. "Sounds like fun."  
  
-----  
  
A steady 'click-click' filled Nagi's room. The boy sat at his computer, talking in a chat room with Kittyn.   
  
Kittyn: So your laptop was stolen?  
  
Darkchyld: Yeah. Not so much stolen as "confiscated."  
  
Kittyn: Was it that perverted German guy you told me about?  
  
Darkchyld: How'd you guess?  
  
Kittyn: Don't ask.  
  
A piece of paper slid under Nagi's door. He looked at it curiously, smelling wine and that spice scent from Schuldich's lubricant that seemed to be embedded permanently in the German's clothes and hair. The paper floated into the air and flew to Nagi's hand. "Hm...what do we have here? 'To mein bitch...'" Nagi growled. "'I still have your laptop. Hahahahahahaha. Muahahahahahaha. Bwahahahahahaha. Du leibchen.'" Nagi wadded the paper into a ball, tossed it into the wastebasket, and turned back to his computer to see Kittyn had sent him a message.  
  
Kittyn: Ne, daijoubu?  
  
Darkchyld: Hai. Got a message from the gaijin.  
  
Kittyn: What's it say?  
  
Darkchyld: Well, let me type it out to you... "To mein bitch. I still have your laptop. Hahahahahahaha. Muahahahahahaha. Bwahahahahahaha. Du leibchen."  
  
Kittyn: Mein bitch??  
  
Darkchyld: Long story. I'll tell you later, I have to do something at the moment.  
  
Kittyn: Ah, OK. Ja ne.  
  
Darkchyld: Ja ne.  
  
Nagi turned the computer off. Now...how to get his laptop back from Schuldich? A grin formed on Nagi's face. He knew *just* how to get it...  
  
-----  
  
"Ne, Braddy-kins! Where's my zinfandel!?"  
  
Crawford sighed. "It's in the wine cooler, where it always is."  
  
Schuldich stuck his head in the living room where Crawford was reading a magaine. "Not this time, it isn't!"  
  
Nagi watched carefully from the stairwell. He knew where Schuldich's zinfandel was... His eyes went blank, and a bottle on the top of the cabinets began moving.  
  
A crash came from the kitchen. Schuldich whipped his head around to see what happened, and found his precious zinfandel lying broken and splattered on the kitchen tiles.  
  
"NOOOO!!! Not my expensive zinfandel!!!" he moaned. The German looked around for the culprit, and spotted Nagi's retreating form going up the stairs. His green eyes glittered. "You're in for it, Naoe Nagi..." he hissed.  
  
-----  
  
Nagi picked up the phone. "Ne, I'm calling in for pizza! What does everyone want on theirs?"  
  
"Sausage and mushrooms," Crawford called over his soap opera. (C'mon, we all know he watches them when no one's in the room with him.)  
  
"Make mine onions, peppers, and double cheese," Schuldich called from the common room. He had something in store for this particular call...  
  
"And you, Farfarello?" Nagi looked towards the psycho in question. Farfie, who was sitting on the new kitchen table like a cat, looked at Nagi quizically.  
  
"Raw pizza dough with unbaked cheese, no tomato sauce, raw pepperoni, and anchovies." The white-haired one smiled ecstatically. "Yes, that will definitely hurt God!"  
  
Nagi blinked. "Oookay..." He dialed the number for the pizza place. Schuldich poked his head out of the common room to watch.  
  
A man picked up on the other side of the phone. Nagi smiled. "Yes, I'd like to order four pizzas. One with sausage and mushrooms, one with onions, peppers, and double cheese, one 4-cheese, and one with raw dough, unbaked cheese, no tomato suce, raw pepperoni, and anchovies..." He sweatdropped. "Yes, you heard right. An unbaked pizza with cheese, raw pepperoni, anchovies, and no tomato sauce."  
  
Schuldich smiled. Time to get to work.  
  
"Oh, and one more thing," Nagi said involuntarily. Schuldich, giggling softly, sent a thought into Nagi's brain, making Nagi break out into song on the phone. "Sit on my face, and tell me you love me! I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too! Life would be fine if we both sixty-nine, and we sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play till we're blown awaaaaaaayyyy--" Nagi caught on then to what was happening, and quickly constructed a telekinetic mind barrier. "I'm so sorry about that!" he yelled into the phone. "I'm so, so sorry! I--hello? Hello!?" Nagi angrily slammed the phone down. "Damn it, they hung up!"  
  
Schuldich couldn't hold it in much longer, and finally burst out howling with laughter. Nagi turned and glared at him so hard it could have melted the polar ice caps.  
  
"Oh man! That was great! I wish I could have seen that pizza guy's face!" Schuldich howled.   
  
"Thanks to you, we won't get pizza for dinner, Schuldich!" Nagi yelled.  
  
Schuldich turned on him. "What do you mean, my fault!? You were the one singing 'Sit On My Face and Tell Me You Love Me' to the pizza guy!"  
  
Meanwhile, Farfarello was having the time of his life. He was laughing so hard that he turned blue from lack of oxygen and fell backwards off the table. He could be heard for hours after, just lying on the floor, mouthing, and occasionally muttering, "This hurts God..." But we won't go that far into the future just yet.  
  
"That's ENOUGH!!!" Crawford roared. Nagi and Schuldich snapped their heads around to look at him. "I've had just about ENOUGH of this!!! Schuldich, you've ruined dinner, and Nagi, you ruined a perfectly good bottle of expensive zinfandel!!!" He crossed his arms angrily. "I want this to all stop!" He turned to go back to the living room, then looked back over his shoulder. "And Schuldich. For God's sake, give the boy his laptop back."  
  
Schuldich and Nagi stood in shock. Then, it all seemed to sink in. A smirk crossed Nagi's face slowly, and he and Schuldich looked at each other. Then...  
  
"HA! I get my laptop back!" Nagi pointed at Schuldich and laughed maniacally. Schuldich could swear he heard Farfarello giggling maniacally along with Nagi, even though Farfie was on the floor on the complete opposite side of the table, where he could not be seen. The red-head sighed.  
  
"Alright, you can have your laptop back. I guess this means the war's over, ja?" He went towards the common room to get the laptop he had so cleverly hidden behind some books in the bookcase.  
  
Nagi giggled with excitement. "I'm gonna get my laptop back...!" he squealed. Strangely, Farfarello squealed too. Nagi, quite disturbed, followed Schuldich into the common room to retrieve his laptop.  
  
And the moral of the story, boys and girls, is this: Never make multiple God-hurting actions in front of Farfarello. It will have bad side effects, such as Farfie repeating any odd noise he hears.  
  
--Owari--  
  
Now, my minions, go...and REVIEW MY FIC!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!! 


End file.
